Timeless

Holy Lord of God,I haven’t got any time to blog the past I have no idea how many days or weeks since my last post. Life has been EXTREMELY busy. I have 3 upcoming performances,the choir is extremely unprepared,the songs are not up to my standards but they are working very hard and that’s what I admire about them. Vox Astra has a lot of potential just that the conductor Shaun has to be replaced no matter what,he is not doing his job at all. But I’m not going to rant about it here.

Getting back my results and feeling like shit should be the worse thing this week. I failed almost everything except for literature and mother tongue,GREAT. I gotta step up my game before A levels if I want my straight As and there is no argument that I’m working hard for it.

Life hasn’t been any easier. I love K,or at least,I used to love K but I had to let my feelings for him go. It hurts me so much but why bother waiting for someone who would probably never think about you? I like someone else now but it’s no better,I fear that it’s going to be a repeat of the two guys I loved before,a vicious cycle as I call it. It’s the same over and over again,I have a crush on a guy and we get to know each other pretty well and my feelings for him become stronger,finally I decide to confess to him and he rejects me and shut me off. I get depressed and I don’t want that. I trust in God and hopefully I may find someone because I am tired of living a lonely life.

Ps. K seems very happy with his new girl,I want nothing more for him but to be happy,bless that girl. Same goes to D. How I wish I could talk to y’all but I’ll feel really awkward.

Wings

This quote just gave me the biggest breakdown I’ve ever had. It symbolises many aspects of my life and it just means a lot to me. Sometimes I wonder,what if my life could change? What if I could fix the wrongs I’ve made in my past,what would my life be like right now? What if I never said the words that actually made my life hell? So many regrets! Life has to keep going on but it’s not easy either,there are its ups and downs. Life will make us go through hell and it’s not that easy to get that bugger by its neck and say “Ha! Now I got you!”. But I’m much more determined now although I procrastinate a lot. Hopefully,just hopefully,I’ll die with no regrets. I always pray that I can die a painless death at a younger age after seeing the whole world,not the continents but the phases in life we go through.

God’s Creations

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Today I was at Bishan Park before meeting Jolie and while waiting for her to wake up I was sitting at one of the benches reading Death and the King’s Horsemen (by Wole Soyinka). After awhile I got bored and decided to look at the environment surrounding me.It was really a magnificent view that this picture can’t do any justice to such a surreal environment. Then it made me reflect on the beauty of God’s creations. He has made each and everyone of us different,different with a reason,different for a purpose. I am also different,I am gay. Some say that when I say “I love you” it’s not really love but just a delusion but I tell you honestly,from the bottom of my heart,I feel love for another man as a woman would for a man she loves. Not lust,but love. It just hurts when people outcasts me and throw me their condescending glares and leave me out of social gatherings but I’ve learn to accept that this life I’m leading,is not easy! I cry every day,it’s just so hard! When will this war end? People are more concern about bombs and killings but they don’t see the voiceless souls they’ve been destroying and it’s an unjust world we’re living in

Now this makes me recollect some bitter-sweet memories from last year. I treated some people really nicely,I don’t think I’ve ever treated anyone in that manner,not even my siblings. And all I got in the end was their hate. I don’t think my youngest brother has even tried a slice of a flour-less chocolate cake I bought from Awfully Chocolate or even the pastries I baked from scratch in my kitchen for this group of people. Although it saddens me,I still want to be nice to them because it is not in my nature to revenge or bear grudges or hatred although I say it because I truly believe in being good even though you have to put a hard cover in front to protect yourself. Hopefully,I can clear their misunderstanding and clear this hate because it just makes feel bad that i never did anything to make it right for me.

God life blog sad park lifeinsg holidays problems war

A Late Night

The Veneer (by Diva Petrova)
He is smiling
From ear to ear
Wait! There’s something!
It has yet to wear

It’s pretty late at night but I’m still not asleep,I just can’t sleep. When I sleep,my mind is always troubled… I honestly don’t feel happy in life. I may not have everything I want but the one I yearn for the most is to be loved by a guy. I have always loved selflessly and I always wished they would at least appreciate the love I’m showing them. Guess what,they never did. The feeling of being alone just makes me depressed.When I feel sad,I sing (sometimes I dance) and it makes me happy for awhile but then reality sinks in again. I’m falling for someone now but I’m so darn scared to the core that’s why I’ve been crying the past few days. I really don’t know if it will happen or not but all I can say is that God has tested me enough,I really don’t want to live anymore if this continues. I may be smiling in photos but you don’t see the churning ocean inside.

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sad blog short poem

Finally Holidays

I’m so happy that it’s finally the holidays,you have no idea how much I was looking forward to this! Omg I have a lot to catch up now on my own and I’m confident I can do it. So much for daily posting the last time,I’m going to put in a better effort this time to make this really happen. School can get really make my life a hell but I am going to turn my priorities around now :) This photo may make people laugh by the number of accessories I have donned but I tell you truthfully,I feel happy because I finally have a breathing space which I’ve never had for the longest time ever since school started. May everyone have a great holiday in Singapore :)

Speech Day and it’s nostalgia

Well it was Speech Day yesterday and I went back to St Gabs for it and OMG the memories of my performance last year came flooding back to me and I really miss being in an all-boys school. And I went to dance in the front during the finale cos it was the same dance we did last year and I felt so young again. I just love to dance,it makes me feel happy and alive like nothing else but singing is a whole new different world for me.image

After the whole thing,I went around asking my teachers and some of my friends to selfie,and please don’t judge! I just love to selfie these days and I assure you,75% of the photos in my phone are selfies while the 25% is all lecture slides and tutorial notes (what is life?).image

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And I did pretty much the crazy stuff again (as expected,I’ve been doing it for the 4 years of my life there in St Gabs and i’m pretty much used to being crazy)image

 I went home after Speech day to wash up and go out to study at STARBUCKS and oh lord,I’ve been pouring all my money and heart into Starbucks the past few days like crazy…I spent over $50 on Starbucks this week. Can you believe it?? It’s just crazy but I’m really crazy over Starbucks  . And another thing is,I came up with a conclusion not to go to Starbuck with anyone,cause I finished my revision for Economics and successfully transferred most of my Literature notes into my notebook without getting distracted,it was pure bliss when I was alone and really concentrating. I feel so happy that my study session at Starbucks was really productive and I’m gonna do this on every weekend. I really need perfection and my straight As.image

And when I came back home I just started taking selfies again cause today is a really good day,I met my Vocals,I met my teachers,I met my friends,I talked to someone who never talked to me in 15 months,it’s just crazy how life has become really pleasant even during the hardest times of my life with my faith on my God that He’s always there for me. I truly am grateful to God :)image

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I’m just so happy these days but I’m expecting something bad because one cannot be happy all the time,there has to be ups and downs to make a life meaningful,a life with no thrills is nothing but a dead,boring one and that’s not what I want my life to be. Truly,moving on from him is really one of the most painful part of my life but I realised it has turned my attention into my studies with so much vigour that even I cannot believe that I had so much potential. I don’t want to fall for anyone at the current moment,my heart has really faced too much from just two guys and it’s enough to teach me a lesson. Not to love anyone selflessly if they don’t love you the way you love them or don’t appreciate your feelings and mock them or fall for someone who doesn’t know what he wants in his life. And it’s so painful to hear people ask me “What exactly is it that you see in them (him) that made you love them (him)” cause I feel like they’re doubting that I actually had feelings for them and it’s really sensitive. Why I love them is cause they are the most beautiful souls I have ever met,not in appearance,but in heart. I don’t fall for anyone because they are good-looking but it’s something they did that make me like them,but truly I tell you,beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. But now both of them broke my heart so badly that I even gave up trying,I will never have anyone but my God because He’s all I have right now. Gosh,how did such a happy post turn into a sad one?? I’m gonna sleep now,gotta go church in the morning :) I really love going to church these days,it’s a really good break from all the stress and busy life and I just feel at peace and at home in church.

XOXO

Diva

PI:Painful Injections

Today is a really good day,hopefully not everyday is a good day or my life would be a bore but yeah it was pretty bearable today with the help of holy water,it’s okay if you don’t get it hehe but yeah I think the only painful part today is PW. My gawd,it is a mental torture! I sat down researching over and over again on my topic (I don’t think it’s wise of me to share what I’m doing for PI on my blog at all,it makes me look stupid,but I assure you it’s really interesting). After that I started sketching at 9pm and after I’m done annotating and scraping off things I don’t need, it was 10.20pm. Like how the fuck did I not notice the time???? 

Other than that,I’m catching up really fast with econs now like amazeballs! And I really feel like transferring from geography to history but after my discussion with Ms Peh today I realised that I’m giving up way too easily,I didn’t even try and I’m giving up and that is so not me! And this is my final verdict:I am staying in geography! Honestly,I really do not want to lose focus by shifting around too much and I came up with this final decision after praying and asking The Lord for His guidance and I really reflected a lot upon it so yeah I’m sticking with Geog :)

I know I’m not making a bad decision and I’m really determined in getting my straight As,cause that’s what I’m in a JC for. To go to my dream university,I’m not letting ANYTHING get in my way! I really gotta sleep now,I can feel my eyes closing as I’m typing this.

XOXO

Diva

A New Dawn

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. I went to school with the foulest mood ever and by the end of school,I was no longer sad,depressed or angry but I was just so happy and full of life like i always was before when I still liked him. But anyways,I’m not going to dwell too much on what happened with him or what’s going on but I would really like to thank a few people who cheered me up and made me feel happy yesterday.

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Not everyone that cheered me up yesterday are in the photos,but thank you guys for listening to me bitch on Monday and cheering me up yesterday cos honestly,this made me feel better and now,when it comes to him,I’m like FUCK IT! He’s seriously not the one for me,I want someone who is able to think of what he wants in his life and make good life decisions and he obviously doesn’t know how to treasure those who truly loves him and how to back away from those who might bring him down,he’s really not worth my time pondering over anymore.

Also,thank you so much 41A,you seriously are the best classes I’ve ever had,everyone is so supportive and yeah you guys are really one of the best people I’ve ever met.image

With that,let me take this day as anew dawn in my life and I gotta go cos I haven’t finished my breakfast and tea and I’m already blogging.

XOXO

Diva